Tough love with Jake and Neytiri (Parody stories)
by Hoplite39
Summary: This is a series of short one-shot parodies featuring Jake and Neytiri. The stories are unrelated and not in any order. Some may feature the same scene. Please note that none of these stories will be romantic, except incidentally.
1. Chapter 1 - Fine women

DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT OWN AVATAR.

Jake and Neytiri were at the tree of voices together.

"You are a warrior now Jake." Said Neytiri. "You can make your bow from the wood of Hometree. And you can choose a woman. We have many fine woman. Ninat is the best singer."

"I don't want Ninat." Replied Jake.

"And Peyral is a good hunter."

"Yes, she is a good hunter." Acknowledged Jake. "But I don't want Peyral."

"Rana is the best weaver." Suggested Neytiri.

"Yes, Rana is a good weaver." Agreed Jake. "But I don't want Rana."

" And Tinara is a good bowmaker." Proposed Neytiri.

"Yes, Tirana is a good Bowmaker." Nodded Jake. "But i don't want Tirana."

For the next half hour or so Neytiri suggested a number of fine woman with wonderful qualities. Each time Jake agreed she was a fine woman, but said he didn't want her. Soon Neytiri came to the end of her list of fine woman.

"... and Kala is the best Cook." Continued Neytiri.

"Yes. Kala is the best cook." Affirmed Jake. "But I don't want Kala."

"Piri is a good gatherer." Suggested Neytiri.

"Yes, Piri is a good gatherer." Agreed Jake. "But I don't want Piri."

"Oh, for Ewya's sake, Jake." Sighed Neytiri with frustration. " I've gone though all the fine women in the clan. But you rejected them all."

"I don't want any of them." Said Jake, gazing at Neytiri tenderly. "I have already cho..."

"Well, In that case, since you don't want any of the fine women. "Neytiri shook her head in resignation. "I'll just have to go through the not so fine women now."

"But..."

"May as well, get started." Sighed Neytiri. "Sluta is a lazy slag."

"Yes, she is a lazy slag. But I don't want Sluta." Said Jake.

"And Pili is a two-faced bitch."

"I know Pili is a two faced bitch. But I don't want Pili."

"And Titana is an ugly cow."

"Yes, Titana is an ugly cow. But I don't want Titana."

"And Suza is a dirty slapper..."

Etc, etc, etc...


	2. Chapter 2 - Ikran is not horse

During his training to be a Na'vi warrior, Neytiri took Jake to a wide branch high in the canopy of the forest.

Neytiri called out three times. Suddenly, a banshee swooped down and land just in front of them. Thinking that they were being attacked, Jake took a step back in alarm.

"Seze. Seze." Smiling, Neytiri caressed the head of the banshee and gave it a snack. The banshee eagerly took the snack from Neytiri's hand with its mouth and gulped it down.

"Outstanding!" Smiled Jake when he saw that the creature was friendly with Neytiri.

"Ikran is not horse." Said Neytiri turning to Jake. Jake nodded respectfully.

"Also, Ikran is not Palulukan, nor Na'vi nor Toruk, nor atorkina..." Said Neytiri. Jake nodded again politely. He had got the message.

"And Ikran is not a spider, nor a tree, nor a flower,..." Continued Neytiri. "...nor the sun, nor the sky, nor a mountain, nor a rock.."

Jake sighed as Neytiri continued listing items that an Ikran was not "...nor is it a beetle, nor a wasp, nor branch, nor a wolf..."

Getting bored and tired Jake had to sit down as Neytiri continued realing of more items which were not an Ikran.

"...nor a bow, nor a knife, nor an arrow, nor a pot, nor a necklace, nor a stick..."

* * *

Some time later, it was getting dark and Jake was almost half asleep when Neytiri finally came to the end of her list.

"...nor a sky person, nor a gun, nor a spoon, nor a hat, nor a helicopter."

Relieved she had finally finished her list, Jake got up. Neytiri looked at Jake with a beautiful shy smile on her face, as she continued caressing Seze. She seemed pleased with her explanation. Jake wanted to please and impress her by showing interest in her people, so he decided to make conversation.

"So what does the word Ikran actually mean?" Asked Jake. "Does it mean 'winged lizard' or 'flying beast' or something like that?"

"No" replied Neytiri. "The word Ikran does not mean that."

"What does it mean?" Said Jake sincerely. "Please tell me. I wish to learn the ways and the language of the Na'vi."

"Very well." Said Neytiri. "An Ikran is a creature that is..."

"Yes...?" Said Jake expectantly.

"...not a horse..."

Jake looked at Neytiri wide-eyed. He didn't like how this had started.

"...nor a Palulukan, nor Na'vi nor Toruk, nor atorkina..."

"Er...Right." Said Jake, beginning to experience a feeling of déjà vu.

"...nor a spider, nor a tree, nor a flower, nor the sun, nor the sky, nor a mountain, nor a rock.."

Jake groaned, shook his head and face-palmed himself.

"...nor a beetle, nor a wasp, nor a branch, nor a wolf..."

Jake sat down on the branch and leaned back against the trunk with his head in his hands. He had better get comfortable. It was going to be a very...very...very long night.

"...nor a bow, nor a knife, nor an arrow, nor a pot, nor a necklace, nor a stick..."


	3. Chapter 3 - Confessions of True Love

CONFESSIONS OF TRUE LOVE

Neytiri and Jake were at the Tree of Voices. Neytiri was caressing some coloured vines while Jake gazed at her with his love filled eyes.

"And you may choose a woman." Said Neytiri in her beautiful melodic voice. "We have many fine women. Ninat is the best singer."

Jake recognised that Ninat was indeed an excellent singer. But he only wanted to hear the voice of one woman.

"I don't want Ninat." Jake replied firmly.

Neytiri turned and smiled at Jake. His heart skipped a beat as he looked into her beautiful eyes. He was so much in love with this woman.

"Peyral is a good hunter." Neytiri's voice quivered slightly.

Jake had seen Peyrall hunt and knew how good a hunter she was. But there was only one woman who would ever trap his heart.

"Yes, she is a good hunter." Jake spoke solemnly. He paused a moment. He knew the moment of truth was about to happen. "But I've already chosen."

"That is wonderful, Jake!" Cried out Neytiri with unexpected enthusiasm. "Because I have chosen too."

" Oh...really?" For a moment, Jake was taken aback by Neytiri's joyful exuberance. She did not speak to him with the tender and passionate words he expected of her. It was not the reaction he had dreamed of or fantasised about. Jake suddenly felt a sensation of foreboding...

"Yes, I have chosen Tsu-Tey." Sighed Neytiri blissfully. "He is so handsome and the best hunter. I am so much in love..."

"Right...Tsu-Tey..." Jake gulped hard. He felt his face go numb.

"And he has chosen me too." Neytiri caressed some more vines and stared dreamily into space. "He says he loves me. Oh, I am so happy. Isn't it wonderful, Jake?"

"Yeah...right...wonderful..." Jake felt as if a dozer had just steamrollered his heart.

"And we're going to get married. It will be so romantic..."

"Really..that's great, Neytiri. I'm...er...so happy for you both.." The words were like stones in Jake's heart.

"And of course, Jake, you will be invited to the wedding ceremony. You will have a place of honour in the front row of course..."

"Gee, Neytiri...thanks a million..."

Neytiri turned to Jake and hugged him warmly. A big sisterly hug. Jake stood there paralysed as she embraced him.

"Oh, Jake. you are my best friend." Neytiri took Jake's hands in hers and looked into his eyes. She didn't seem to notice that Jake was avoiding her gaze. "I feel I can tell you anything..."

"Yeah, great Neytiri...best friends...That's outstanding."

"It's so nice to have a male friend like you Jake. We have so much fun together, don't we. We will always be good friends, I know it."

"Yeah, Neytiri...great fun...always good friends." Jake looked blankly into space. His eyes were beginning to fill with water. "Only ever good friends..."

"So Jake. Who did you choose to be your mate?"

Jake burst into tears.


End file.
